by Ethan Johnson
September 10, 2008

So about that Diana Taurasi thing, uh... hey, is that Kobe Bryant over there?

As of last night, the 8 teams that will be advancing to the WNBA playoffs have been finalized. Spoiler alert: Phoenix ain't one of them. Before I get into this playoffs business, can I just roast ESPN2 for a second? I mean, the announcing was so incredibly awful that I kept decreasing the TV volume until it was just above a whisper. Come back, Mary Murphy, all is forgiven. MM crams her sentences with a lot of trivial details, but she knows to be brief. ESPN2 had FOUR announcers, talking about anything but the game. I grok that it is breast cancer awareness week, and all that, but Taurasi drove to the basket and was fouled! Or not. Or something. Now the foul is on Taurasi. I don't know WTF is happening, because the ESPN2 announcers are talking about, well, who knows. I turned down the volume, remember? Whenever I turned it up, it was still something off-topic. Awful.

Here are YOUR WNBA playoff contenders, by conference:

East

1. Detroit: I don't like them. I want them to lose, lose, lose. Katie Smith annoys me for no rational reason. The ESPN2 announcers did take time out to run through her storied career and wonder why she doesn't earn more respect in the form of awards, but so it goes. Some players aren't "top of mind", you know? She's one of them, for me. Anyway, as a Bulls fan from the 1990s it is my sworn duty to dislike the Pistons, and Bill Laimbeer by extension. Like he cares. Prediction: Finals, probably.

2. Connecticut: Another team that I can't get excited about. The coach annoys me. Whoever their star player is (Katie something, right?) doesn't capture my interest enough to bother remembering her name. Sad to say, but true. And yet, they are tearing up the league this season. Since I don't have a lot of value to add to this discussion, I'll end it here. Prediction: Final four.

3. New York: Disclosure: I am the proud owner of a NY Liberty t-shirt. I had high hopes of following this team to the gates of hell this season, but since I am out of market, and despite paying for the "sports" package with DirecTV, the MSG channel gets blacked out at game time more often than not. Fix this in 2009, please. Anyway, I really enjoy the Liberty, and hope they can make it to the finals. I dunno if they have the meat and potatoes to do it, though. Prediction: Final four (I hope), but probably first round exit (since I don't think 3 East teams can go to the final 4).

4. Indiana: I have nothing of value to offer here. I'm amazed they made the cut, honestly. This concludes my Indiana Fever acumen. Prediction: First-round exit.

West

1. San Antonio: On paper, they don't seem like a team that should be tearing up the league, but DAMN they are tearing up the league. Becky Hammon, love her or hate her (disclosure: She is one of my favorite players but I grok why people don't like her) is definitely a force to be reckoned with. Wauters, Riley, Buescher, Young, sheesh. They're gonna be tough to beat. Prediction: Finals, but could be a final four team (keep reading).

2. Seattle: Woulda, coulda, shoulda been my pick for Western finals team. (Disclosure: I own a Storm t-shirt.) Without Lauren Jackson, I don't think they have the arroz con pollo to go all the way. Not to take anything away from Sue Bird, whom I love to pieces. Swoopes is on the way out, and Swin Cash doesn't fill me with finals-caliber confidence. But like I know diddly-doodley about Seattle, as I could barely see them on TV all season. I had to watch the cock-a-doodie Olympics to see Lauren Jackson play. Anyway. Prediction: First round exit. I know, I hate myself for saying that, but keep reading.

3. Los Angeles: Whooo. With Candace Parker (disclosure: I own a CP t-shirt with pride) and Lisa Leslie on the roster, ya'd think I'd have LA going all the way. And on paper, despite their record, they should be right up there in the final four. But San Antonio played them tough in their most recent meeting, and while LA eked out a win, those were some hard-won points. It wouldn't surprise me if they went down in the final four to San Antonio. It also wouldn't surprise me if Candace Parker rang up 98753 points and carried the team on her back, taking breaks to share credit with Lisa Leslie. My only caveat, besides the rest of the team running hot and cold, is that Parker hasn't been challenged (to my knowledge) to carry the team like say, Diana Taurasi or Janel McCarville have (to my knowledge). I still have Parker as a lock for Rookie of the Year, but NCAA national championship, Olympic gold, and the WNBA ring all in under a year? That's TOO compelling. The world isn't ready. Prediction: Aw hell, finals, the ring, the championship belt, the Stanley Cup, pimp of the year, and all that before breakfast.

4. Sacramento: Thanks, Phoenix, for pissing this season away last night in Detroit. Taurasi and Pondexter ring up the numbers, but they can't BE the team. Anyway, enough about Sacramento. Okay, seriously, I haven't seen much of the Monarchs, and when I have, I wanted them to lose. Their coach annoys me (again). I don't know enough about Kara Lawson to have an opinion about her. I just don't have high expectations for anything other than a first-round exit. Maybe they'll pull the upset just to spite me, personally.

I don't have any plans to recap the remainder of the regular season since the playoff-bound teams are duking it out for home-court advantage. I'll still watch the games as able, since the season is wrapping up and I won't get to see any more WNBA action until next year. Hopefully more of it on TV, please. Or maybe rumblings of a Dallas team? OKC even? If Houston really does fold, they can comet their way up here.

The playoffs begin in earnest next Thursday on ESPN2. No blackouts! <EM>

(The full WNBA archive may be found here.)